How time flys

6 months ago to the day, I lost someone very special to me. My younger brother Alex. It was very sudden and unexpected. My family had already suffered a great loss when my Grandmother (who raised me) passed away a few short months before. I can honestly say this has been the hardest and most tragic thing to happen in my life. Sometimes it doesn't seem real.

Alex was 20 years old. He had barely started life. He had so much to live for. It still breaks my heart. But our Heavenly Father must have had greater plans for him. I have to remind myself of that. But with each day, it does get easier. I have had to learn to live life without two of my favorite people.

Alex was so funny and witty. He was also stubborn and a pain. He loved reading and studying up on old Presidents and all the conspiracy theories. He was also amazing at rapping and creating raps. I was always so envious of these talents. Whatever he wanted to do or learn, he would. Alex was just the light in our families eyes. He is actually an Identical twin. That is our saving Grace, he may not be here, but his twin is. We still get to see him every time we look at his brother Andrew. But it is also bittersweet.

With all this loss, it makes me appreciate life and those in my life so much more. You never know when someone you love can be taken from you. I never want to go a day without the people I love knowing how much I care and appreciate them. I know without a doubt that Alex knew. He was my best friend. I made him a promise to never let a day go bye where I don't think of him. I intend to keep that promise till the day I am reunited with him in Heaven.

I promise Buddy.

Boys Boys and more Boys

Living in Provo comes with a lot of stereo types and pressure. One being, that I should be married with five kids already. Or that I should be looking for my eternal companion. The pressure has never gotten to me, until I turned 23. I officially feel like an old maid.

I have a great social and dating life. If I am lucky I might have one night a week to myself. I enjoy and treasure those nights alone. I am very independent and self sufficient. I do not have to be around people constantly. I need my own space to think and clear my mind. I have never been one of those girls who needs a man. I don't even know how to be someone's girl friend. Is there a "How to Book"? Really what I need is a " How to find a guy, and keep him but still be your own woman" book. If you know of any please tell me.

With this new year, I made a lot of goals. I want to be a better person than I was last year. One of my goals was to stop leading guys on, and being honest. I am really good at getting scared off, and I do the avoid texts and pick up more shifts at work, so I can avoid hanging out. It is my M O. I have mastered it. But how unfair an cruel was it of me to do this to boys. All I needed to do was be honest. Like my favorite person says "I am not living till I am being completely honest"- Fat Amy

Being honest sucks. SUCKS. SUCKS. SUCKS. Who ever said being honest will set you free, forgot to mention how you end up the bad guy and feeling like a jerk. I never felt like a jerk when I avoided and dove into work or "lost my phone".

I have had to tell the same boy that I do not want to date him for the millionth time. Each time gets worse. In two years, my feelings have not changed. He knows that I was dating someone else, or into another guy. But yet he continues to try. I admire his persistence but he is wasting his time. I am not in a place in my life where I want a boyfriend. I am not ready for the commitment. I enjoy dating lots of boys, and seeing the world. I have so many things I want to do. He just doesn't seem to understand. So at the end of the day, I am the bad guy.

I travel for a living

Just kidding. But seriously. While trying to figure out what I have been wanting to do for the rest of my life, I have been traveling the world. I have been extremely fortunate to have had such amazing jobs that allow me to take off as much time necessary to spread my wings and see the world.

My parents are homebodies. They could care less if they ever left the state of Arizona. I should be a little more generous, my mom is from Montana and my Dad is from Indiana. They have traveled a bit. But not much. My Dad is one of those guys who will tell you a story and nonchalantly mention how he has been here or there. Like the time he told me he is a licensed scuba diver, and has been scuba diving in Hawaii. When did he go there? How? I am 23  years old and don't remember him taking a trip other then to Indiana or Illinois. I think he went to Florida once. Sneaky sneaky.

 Back to me...I dated a guy for almost 2 years off and on, we shall call me Zack. He always told me I was too much of a dreamer. All I have ever wanted to do was see the world. See where my family came from. After we broke up, I wanted to "show him" how my dreams could come true. I did everything to prove him wrong. I picked up and left AZ to Utah. My first real trip was when I spontaneously went to New York City. I fell in love. I am a city girl. I love fashion and I love different cultures. A month later I found myself in Orlando Florida. Visited a few other major cities. Experienced the real clubbing life in South Beach Miami. What a party. All I need is a rich older man and I am set for that life.

5 months later I was flying with my Mom and Aunt to Greece and Turkey for a one month long family history trip. I was so lucky to have been able to do one day in Rome. For the next month I was able to see where my Great Grandparents were from. What a joy that was. I also met my cousins and other aunts. I have an amazing crazy big Greek family. I was very familiar with all the food and traditions because my family made it very important to continue here in the states.

I couldn't stop there. I went to live in Florida for a month. Returned to New York. Stopped in Washington DC, then headed South of the boarder to Mexico. I am just getting started. I have two more weeks till I set sail with my 3 best friends. First stop, the Bahamas.

New York > Florida > Italy> Greece > Turkey > Florida > New York > DC > Cabo San Lucas > Puerta Vallarta >

I live each day like its my last. This world has so much to offer, and so much to see. I will be damned if I don't get to experience it all.

Wearing my heart on my sleeve

Somehow in the last 15 years I have developed this amazing skill. It is almost like a magic trick. I am able set aside any of my life problems, and put any emotions other then the feeling of happy away in a box. Never to deal with it again. Some would say this is a problem and one day I am going to explode.

That day was near. I finally am learning how to feel. Learning to breath. Learning that I am allowed to have a bad day. That being happy 24 hours a day 7 days a week, is just not possible. Or even healthy. To feel and allowing myself to open up, means accepting the bad and the good. This has been one of the hardest trials in my life. I am not use to so much emotion. I have my moments where I miss my old robot self. It was nice for all those years. But now I want to live.....live for the moments of happiness and joy. I want to feel.

 

 

My first post

This is the part where I am suppose to tell you who I am & where I am going...but what if I still am not sure...

I have always thought it was a bunch of nonsense when people would say that they need to "find themselves". I found it to be an excuse, a cop out. Here I am 23 years old, & just realizing I don't know who I am. How often do people wake up, look in the mirror & think,

"how on Earth did I get here?".  For me this has happened twice.

Two years ago I picked up my life in Arizona & headed to the promised land. Also known as Provo Utah. Here I am waking up and once again not recognizing who I am. I like to run. Run from my problems. I am not sure where this fun character flaw of mine began, but I am determined to change it. Your problems don't seem to disappear just because you left them behind in another state. I am ready to start my journey of seeking who I am & what will make me happy. This life is too short not to be happy. I can finally see that light at the end of the tunnel.